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We had our seventh wedding anniversary three days ago. Right on the seventh of the seventh month!

To some, seven years of marriage may seem like a long time. To some others on the other hand, seven years is actually very short for they know there’ll be many more years ahead that we as a couple need to go through together.

To both of us, we somehow didn’t feel that we’ve been married for that long.

We enjoy each other’s company. We talk. We listen. We try to always keep two-way open communications. We support, remind, rebuke and encourage each other.

AND most importantly I guess, we realise that we have to keep on ‘building’ and ‘working on’ our relationship as there’s still such a long journey ahead of us that we both have to go through together.

And such a journey (realistically) will not only be filled with sunshine and rainbows, but dark clouds and storms too.

Marriage is never like a fairy tale. We both never believe in such a thing anyway.

Within the past seven years, there are many occasions when we disagree and are really mad with each other. There are times when our husband and wife days just feel so like a routine, that fun and spontaneity just seem to have gone out the window.

The reality is, as years go by, couples (unconsciously) often start taking each other for granted.

Words of appreciation may not be uttered as much. Gestures of love and affection may not be seen much around the house too. The husband tends to be busy with work and career, while the wife is busy with the kids (AND work too, if she’s working fulltime as well).

Daily conversations tend to evolve around the kids, the house and work. Leaving very little time and energy for the couple to even start talking and building on their husband-wife relationship.

Being a good parent the way God wants us to be is not easy. So is being a good wife and a good husband. It consistently needs lots of work, contribution and commitment, from both parties.

AND for our case, lots of prayer for God’s strength, help and grace too.

I’m glad we both are committed to keep on working, refreshing and improving our relationship based on mutual respect, trust and sacrifice. And of course, love.

…

To my dear husband : Happy Anniversary!

PS: That’s us in Queenstown, New Zealand, in 2001. Lovely place!

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Btw, how do you work on your marriage ?

How do you keep your relationship alive and fresh ? eg. Do you have regular ‘dates’ with your spouse? How do you settle your disagreements? Do you find it tough (read : near impossible) to have ‘couple time’ after having kids?

Or, do you have any relationship tips to share?

Hope readers can start sharing and writing in! *smile*

I was reading some articles the other day on today’s busy Moms and how everyone needs some ‘Me-time’ to recharge.

One article says:
“When we are stressed, overwhelmed and tired, we have a shorter fuse. We become irritable, and it’s more difficult to handle the challenges of being with children,” says Rachelle Disbennett-Lee, a personal life coach in Aurora, Colorado.

And another write-up says how “Rest and relaxation are two things that moms desperately need for sure, but often forget to put into their daily schedules. This is a must, as it not only rejuvenates a mom, but it helps to calm frazzled nerves.’

I don’t know about you, but for my case, as much as I know I need a break from our daily busyness, taking some time out when both kids are wide awake is just not easy.

I mean, we don’t have relatives in Singapore who can help and babysit the kids so that my husband and I can freely enjoy some ‘couple time-out’ (read: running our business and meeting deadlines means his working hours are naturally longer too, on average), let alone some time-out for myself.

Of course unless the kids are BOTH asleep.

So at night time, when they both have dozed off, that’s when I’d clear up my work and actually get a bit of ‘me-time’ - catching up on some reading and quiet time, blogging, instant messaging friends, chatting with Wilson and sometimes, watching a DVD together (or simply just … chatting and sharing) till the wee hours.

[All these are at the expense of lesser hours of sleep though. Oh well, can't always have the best of everything every time huh?]

Other than that, there are random occasions now and then too.

Like when the four of us went to a shopping centre and Wilson took the kids to the outdoor playground while I went off by myself for a good hour or so - to relax, windowshop and just unwind.

Or, if Vai somehow falls asleep on his pram after we send Anya to school (rarely happens though), I’d grab a book and enjoy some uninterrupted time-off while thoroughly enjoying my lunch and milk tea *NICE*

…

Juggling and balancing everything well is a real challenge to me. It often feels rather impossible to achieve too. But I must say, God has given me sufficient strength to go through each day, right until today, and though I’m not able to balance and juggle everything well every day and every time, I know I should always try my best to learn and do better each time.

Anyway.

Do you (or don’t you) have regular ‘me-time’ breaks?

How and what do you do to unwind and recharge?

Do write in and share yeah. It’s always nice if we can learn a little something from each other *smile*

As a follow-up on my post last Saturday, here’s one topic from Dr Kevin Leman’s book “First-time Mom” that I’d like to share with you today.

It’s on the role of daddies in the family and how moms often complain about their husbands having little interest in helping out with the kids.

The book recommends this :

Avoid actions that scare husbands away

One of the reasons why many men take a ‘backseat’ when it comes to parenting is : they feel the wives are so competent that they are just not needed.

Another reason: they eventually feel reluctant to help out because they are often instructed by the wives on ‘HOW’ they ‘SHOULD HAVE’ done things.

Like when a dad tries to put on a diaper and the wife laughs and says : ‘Don’t you know how to put on a diaper? You’ve got it backwards!’. Then the wife continues to share his ‘amusing’ diaper episode with her friends.

Some husbands are completely okay with such comments and reactions from the wives, but some may not like them.

They feel the wives are too quick to ridicule, judge and ‘correct’ their way of doing things when it comes to caring for the kids. And as the result, the dads feel discouraged and simply are not interested in helping much anymore.

So. How should the wife approach all this?

Learn to appreciate the husband’s unique role and approach in the child’s life.

Dads may not be as gentle as moms, but that’s okay. In fact, that’s the way it should be.

Babies don’t need daddies to act like mommies or mommies who try to act like daddies. Kids are more ‘durable’ than we often realise.

…

This, I admit, was one of the things that lead to arguments between Wilson and I, especially in Anya’s earlier years.

I have my own routine and ways of doing things when it comes to caring for the kids. And Wilson naturally has his ways too. And when I insist on how certain things ‘need to be done’, I’m making him feel incompetent. It’s as if ‘my way’ is the ‘only right way’ of accomplishing certain things.

By now, we’ve understood each others’ roles better. We’ve synchronised quite a few parenting approaches too.

And despite Wilson’s long working hours, when he’s with the kids, he helps out and spends lots of time with them (like, getting them ready for bed, washing them up, brushing their teeth, putting on diapers, changing into their pyjamas, reading them books and saying their bedtime prayer together)

Over time, I’ve also learned to just ‘close one eye’ and avoid being too particular over things that are not that critical (which frankly was tougher to do during my earlier years of being a Mom).

And when we disagree about a particular parenting approach, we’d share it with each other and talk about it.

We realise that no parent is perfect, and that we both need to complement each other, and continually grow and be reminded of the many things that need to be changed and improved.

Parenting sure is a continual learning journey for us.

Here’s one parenting book I’d like to recommend today.

First-time Mom, by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Getting off on the right foot - from birth to first grade

After a friend of mine shared how insightful the book is, I finally managed to get a copy from the local library (again, thanks to another friend who borrowed it for me during her trip to library!)

Dr. Leman is a Christian psychologist with decades of family-counselling experience. His books are mostly about parenting, marriage and family issues.

His writing is really easy to read and he shares lots of real-life examples as well, making it easier for us to understand the points he’s trying to put across.

Though I’m no longer a ‘first-time mom’ when I read the book, I still find many useful tips and info. On handling toddlers and kids’ tantrums, parenting values and ‘mistakes’ we tend to make, etc.

In fact, later on I think I’ll share parts of the book which I personally find interesting and insightful.

Anyway, if you’d like to get a little preview of his ‘value-packed parenting’ talk, click HERE to watch a video clip on youtube.com

Happy parenting!

Someone once said that once you’ve decided the person with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life with, basically there’s ‘no turning back’.

If we’ve made a ‘bad decision’, then we (unfortunately) will live with the consequence of our choice.

I was told too that before we get married, we’re to open our eyes real wide (read: observe the relationship, learn as much as possible about the person, and work together on ironing things out).

But after we’re married, we’re to ‘close one eye’ (read: learn to focus only on the good of our spouse and not on the bad).

It’s about continually working things out. Respecting and loving. Openly sharing our deepest thoughts, worries, concerns, pains and joy.

The thing is, it’s easier to write about it than to consistently do it everyday.

But then again, though there’ll surely be ups and downs, it’s never impossible, with God as the Lord of the household.

…

To hubby: Happy Birthday! *smile*

Many people enter marriage with idealistic thoughts of how a marriage ’should be’.

That there’ll be hardly any arguments. That all exchanged words will always be romantic and sweet. That the home will always be neat and clean because the boyfriends-now-husbands will always proactively help and clean everything up. That our spouse will wake up in the morning always looking fresh and beautiful (?)

If one has such thoughts when they first got married, they’ll be … disappointed.

And it’s really not because marriage itself is ugly. Marriage in itself is in fact beautiful, for it is when two individuals - who promise to stay true and faithful to each other - are united by God in front of His people.

What’s important is that we ought to always remember too that marriage is a union between two unique individuals who are FAR from perfect.

We ought to be realistic. Disagreements will happen. And arguments will take place.

But when both openly communicate, listen and respect each others’ views and feelings, and find a way out that works for both parties, in the end marriage itself can be an enriching experience.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And so is our spouse. So our job is to focus more on their strengths, and learn to complement and tolerate their weaknesses.

Yes there will be hurdles in our marriage. But if we let God be the LORD of our household, we can be rest assured that He will always be with our family.

Leading, guiding and showing a way out. Even when there seems to be no way.

I was SO inspired by today’s sharing at our Women’s Fellowship.

Here’re some thoughts I’d like to share with you.

>> Family is an institution, a unit, that God Himself has established. And at the very core, it’s about the relationship between the husband and the wife.

>> One of the wives’ tasks is to ‘help the husband to be the leader God wants him to be’. When a wife takes over the leadership role in the family, the husband loses his identity, and the household will not be in balance.

>> Wives, after they have children, tend to focus only on the kids, and no longer on the husband. And when their kids have kids, the wives then focus on the grandkids.

If a wife’s focus is hardly ever on her husband, the family will face potential danger where ’someone else’ meets the husband’s need for attention, respect and care.

>> If a couple fails to continually work on mutual respect, open communication and a loving relationship, husband-wife relationship will deteriorate over time.

And if both fail to realise the potential danger of this, they unconsciously will grow further apart from each other (buried in their own busyness with career and kids) though living under the same roof. And it’ll be hard to ‘fix’ the relationship ten or twenty years later.

>> In today’s era, it’s realistically hard(er) to find family togetherness.

Parents tend to be busy with work and other things. Kids are often sent to attend lots of tuitions and courses that they too spend so little time at home and with other family members.

>> Computer, TV and games (like PlayStation, Xbox) also tend to give ‘less desirable’ impacts on us, especially the kids.

They can take away: the much-needed communication, social interactions and togetherness. Even good manners.

[eg. when a child is in front of the TV, he can be so focused on what he's watching that he 'ignores' Mom or replies impatiently when she's talking to him]

>> Relationship with others tend to be superficial too, now that most things are communicated via sms and emails (read: phone calls nowadays get less popular, compared to text messages).

>> Young children (below three especially) naturally depend on their parents, emotionally, physically, psychologically, to name a few. And if parent-child relationships are not strongly built since young, they unfortunately cannot be ‘repaired’ and ‘redeemed’ at a later age.

The kind of society, technology and world we live in tend to make us and our children more individualistic (read: less loving and less ‘together’ as a unit).

It’s critical that we continually sow the seed of Faith and Truth in our family, as well as the importance of relationships, morality and characters.

Such a teaching must come from us parents, especially when the children are still very young.

A strong foundation must be built from within.

And it must start from us. From our own family.

Some food for thought I’d like to share. From today’s Women’s Fellowship.

When we know the ‘price we need to pay’ for doing something and yet we still are willing to do it, it’s called ’sacrifice’.

On the other hand, when we know all the consequences that come from doing something, and we still do it while thinking of ourselves as pityful and helpless in the situation, then we in this case see ourself as a ‘victim’.

In reality, many Moms see themselves (and their role as a Wife and a Mom) as one of the two above.

Some feel that children ‘rob’ them off their ‘freedom’. And when this mindset develops further, the Mom then goes on complaining and feeling sorry for herself and the situation she’s in.

Often, she ends up feeling she’s the ‘victim’ who deserves other people’s full attention, understanding and sympathy.

And there are those who see their role as a Mom a once-in-a-lifetime privilege. They perform their ‘duties’ willingly, knowing and accepting the consequences, responsibilities and ‘burdens’ that automatically come with the role.

The role of a Wife and a Mom is not an easy one.

But I guess, the important question now is, what type of a Mom and a Wife are we?

It is only when we take some time to introspect and realise the type of mindset we now have that we can learn to work on ourselves and become an even better Mom and Wife.

Last night someone asked about how my typical day goes. And come to think of it, it’s kind of hard to say, because it hardly is the same everyday. I mean, we may be out and about for one whole day and work past midnight, and be a lot more relaxed the next day.

Overall, Anya’s day is somehow more predictable though.

Simply put, it goes like this:
wake up, breakfast, shower, playtime, lunch, playtime, nap, afternoon snack, playtime, shower, dinner, playtime and bedtime.

But being our kid, Anya (since she’s a month old) learns to adjust her day to our schedule too, which means she may need to nap in her pram, stop at a corner somewhere to have her formula or getting breastfed ‘on-the-go’!

(Btw, she completely switched to formula when she’s 13.5 months old).

So far, things have not always been easy. Juggling between work, being a fulltime Mom and wife, plus having the privilege to take part in some ministry at church.

And I think, it helps a lot whenever I think that : things may not be easy, but they’re (most likely) not impossible to accomplish.

Yes we may have to adjust our lifestyle, sleep less on certain days or work till four in the morning. But it’s part of life’s challenges, isn’t it?

I guess I don’t really think about it much too. If I have to do something, then then I’ll just do it.

And oh, I reckon, having a supportive hubby also helps! A lot.

When I have to rush (and this situation happens quite often!), Wilson helps in getting Anya ready, changing her diapers and stuff. And on days when I feel down or discouraged, he’s there to get me up and going again. And to me, this too is one reason why I can still do what I do today.

Well anyway, most important of all is that I personally believe that God gives us enough strength to go through the many different situations we come across everyday. And for each situation, however tough it may be, there’s always a lesson to be learned. A lesson that will better equip us when faced with even tougher challenges ahead.

I was trying to get some things from our store room when I saw our old photo albums in one of the boxes.

The one on the left was taken not long after we arrived in Singapore in 1999. The other is of us at the Registry of Marriage in 2001.

And by now, we’ve been together for more than 7 years. Four years as husband and wife to be specific.

I do think you both need to be ‘in love’ with each other in order to enjoy each other’s company. But it’s not just about ‘love’ though because love can sort of ‘fade’ over time if the couples fail to ‘continually work on that love’. To keep it fresh and growing, even as time goes by.

Anyway, it’s been a great 7 years!