Responsibilities and Independence
Mom and 8yo son are in a lift.
Soon after the lift doors open, their friendly neighbour enters, smiles, looks at the boy and asks,
“You are so big now. How old are you this year?”
What happens next?
Who should answer the question?
What often happens is, the MOTHER answers FOR the boy: “Oh, he is 8 years old this year.”
The neighbour smiles, looks at the boy and asks,
“Whoa, 8 years old already. Are you in Primary 2 now?”
Again, instead of letting the boy answers, the mother replies the neighbour’s question on behalf of the boy.
…
I don’t know if this is an ‘Asian’ culture, or it happens a lot in the West, too.
Somehow it is common to see parents ‘take over’ and answer ‘for’ the child, when the child obviously can speak and is old enough to give his own replies.
…
Similar things happen when it comes to:
– packing school bags
Instead of child packing his/her own school bag, mother packs for him/her.
Reason: ‘He is clumsy. He often forgets to bring his homework / text books. If I don’t pack for him, he’ll forget!’
– packing sports bags
Mother packs the racket, spare clothes, water bottles, etc.
Reason: “He often forgets to bring his water bottle. If he forgets and he’s thirsty, then how??’
– Completing school’s requests
School asks all 13yo students to submit by email a ‘photo’ of himself/herself wearing their school uniform by a certain due date. Task is given by email to the students. Instead of the student managing his/her own school matters and responsibilities, mother asks around, and sends the photo to the school, instead of asking the child about it and letting the student manage his own school works/deadlines.
…
[4yo Brie queued and learned to order her own drinks]
Of course each family chooses how they prefer to raise their children.
In our family, we choose to train our children what responsibility and independence means since young.
And this means (among countless others) :
– carry your own school bag
(the principle is simple: if you are old enough to go to school, you are old enough to carry your own school bag)
– if you’ve lost something at school, you go to your teacher, ask about it, and look for it (Mom won’t be the one contacting the teacher ‘for you’)
– if you purposely kick or throw your school bag around (e.g. down the stairs) until it is broken, then you will use a supermarket plastic bag to school for the next 3 months. The consequence of purposely not caring for own belonging.
– if you make a mistake, even when it’s not on purpose (e.g. step on someone’s shoes), you apologise to the person yourself. Even if mom apologises to the person already, the child still needs to go to the person and apologises himself/herself.
– if you need some tissues or an extra pair of chopsticks / spoon / fork at a restaurant, go and call a waiter / waitress to ask for them yourselves. If they don’t see you waving at them, you can get up and go to the waiter/waitress to ask for help.
– if you have a question, ask the question yourself.
– Thank people who have helped you and say “thank you” loud and clear yourself (not represented by parent/grandparent)
– if someone asks you a question, then look at the person in the eye and give clear answers politely.
(if the child is young, e.g. 4yo, we ask our child to always look at us before immediately giving any answers to ‘strangers’. If we smile and nod, that means it is ‘safe’ for the child to go ahead and answer the question. But we are NOT around with him/her, and a stranger asks questions, the child is trained to simply smile and not answer. Even when an answer needs to be given, the child can say, ‘You can ask my Mom.’ and that’s all. Nothing more. For safety reasons.)
…
I know some people feel we are quite ‘harsh’ with our kids for not ‘helping’ them do many things.
Well.
Often, this means, slowly reducing our ‘interference’, and letting them do things ‘for themselves’For us, if children are to learn about responsibilities and independence, then they need to learn it from home, with guidance and supervision, esp. if the child is young (below 5yo).
“But what if they still forget? If I don’t pack for him, then he’ll forget and get punished by the teacher.”
(note: Child is in Primary 3)
“Then let the child be punished by the teacher for not bringing the book that he should’ve packed. This way, he bears the consequence of his own actions and learn to remember it next time. After all, it is him who goes to school, not the parent?”
The consequence of own actions needs to be experienced in order for the child to learn.
Doing the works ‘for’ the child unfortunately will ‘cripple’ the child in the long run.
…
The consequence of own actions needs to be experienced in order for the child to learnOf course, we can always help him learn to be more organised, e.g. put all books of a particular subject into one particular ‘plastic folder’, create habits to double check the list of subjects to pack, train them to make timetables/to do list as reminders, etc.
…
The point is, children need to learn to be more responsible and more independent.
And often, this means, slowly reducing our ‘interference’, and letting them do things ‘for themselves’.
…
Food for thought.
