Parenting Tips and Thoughts : Handling and Loving the Middle Child in the Family
[Taken with iphone]
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Anya, our firstborn, is turning 8yo in less than 2 months.
Vai, our middle child, is 5.5yo now.
And Brie, our lastborn, is 8 months old.
For close to 5 years, we had only 2 kids in our family, which basically means Vai was the youngest in the family for quite some time. And through those years, he showed us how he’s an easy going, happy go lucky little guy =) The clown in the family. One who loves making silly faces. The affectionate one who likes to snuggle and cuddle up with us too.
The thing is, in the past 2 – 3 months, I do notice how Vai, our middleborn, is a little more … difficult to handle than usual.
I tried to observe his behaviours (and misbehaviours), and I noticed how the main ‘issue’ – the main cause of us needing to tell him off – is his ‘poor listening skill’?
For example:
He’d play and ignore us who’s trying to tell him something.
He’d insist on what he wants (eg. A tickling game) and does not stop even when the other party tells him to stop.
He’d intentionally irritate his older sister.
He’d whine and cry very easily (and smile again easily too)
He’d do something again and again although I’ve clearly told him NOT to do it.
He’d get distracted easily, and instead of doing what he knows he should do (eg. Take a shower, complete his homework, finish his meals), he’d play, and play, and play, and play.
It’s been difficult.
Because I ended up doing what I really didn’t like to do. I had to really raise my voice at him on many occasions everyday, and resort to disciplining him, eg. Telling him to go to the other room for five minutes (ie. To separate him from the others, letting him calm down and speaking to him later when he can quiet down and listen to us talking to him).
Things are slightly better in the past few days *phew*, BUT on those difficult days, I found myself trying so hard to ‘swallow’ my impatience. Controlling my emotion so I don’t utter unnecessary words out of anger was SO difficult.
It’s mind numbing.
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I feel so bad for needing to tell him off so frequently everyday. Because I know he’s a sweet heart. He’s good-natured at heart. He COULD listen, if he wanted to.
Plus, I really don’t want him to feel like he’s the one who ‘always’ get told off and end up ‘getting used’ to being scolded.
He wasn’t quite like this before, so I thought it probably is because he’s just seeking extra attention and is going through a ‘difficult growing up phase’.
Anyway.
I took out ‘The Birth Order Book’ (by Dr Kevin Leman) and read parts of it again. The part on middle children, especially.
Because I hope to understand Vai better (By understanding one’s situation/possibly his ‘birth order’ better, I believe we can understand the child and respond to the child’s behaviour better too)
I wanted to find out how we could make our relationships better with middle children.
So, here are some tips and thoughts – shared by the book – on parenting the middle child in the family that I’d like to share with you today.
– If there is one generalisation you can make about middle children, it’s that they feel squeezed and / or dominated.
The older sibling often tells the middle child what to do, and the youngest in the family usually still gets helped a lot by the parents (ie. Parent’s time). The middle child therefore often feels ‘trapped’.
The middle child is too young for the privileges received by the older sibling, and too old to follow what’s being allowed for the baby in the family. Everyone else seems to be making the decisions, while the middle children are asked to sit, watch and obey.
– Help the Middle Child feel special.
Ask middle children for their opinions and let them make their own decision whenever possible. Eg. Letting them choose which breakfast cereals to get for the whole family.
– Listen carefully to middle child’s answers or explanations for what is going on or what he/she thinks of certain situations.
Ask and let them freely share what they really feel about something.
Instead of just an occasional ‘How’s it going?’ remark, schedule a time for a walk, or take the child along on an errand so you can talk in the car.
– Make a special effort to give your child a new item of clothing once in a while too, rather than a hand-me-down all the time.
– Be sure the family photo album has its share of pictures and videos of your middle child
Don’t only have thousands of photos of the older brother / sister, and only a few of him or her! And be sure you take some of your middleborn alone, not always with big brother or little sister.
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Frankly, putting the above points to practice is easier said than done.
Especially when you have SO many things to do for all the other kids too.
But then again I came across this statement earlier:
Amidst our busy schedule, we may say, ‘I can’t find any time to do anything for my kids!’ You don’t FIND time, you MAKE time for it. Because it’s important. Because it’s necessary.
Sure is a nice little reminder for me.
And hopefully for you too.
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Dear Vai,
When you read this years from today, know that you are always very much loved. I love cuddling up with you and those ‘I love you very much’ whispers you hear so often just before you go to sleep, … yes, they are for you. We love you always.
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Do you have more than two children in your family? Have you encountered specific challenges with your middle child so far? Any inputs or tips that you can share with regards to building special relationships with the middle child?
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this is so sweet,esp when vai grows up and reads this. it happens the same in my family too. my sister is the middle child who is like vai, albeit a teenage vai.
Thanks Rachel for dropping by and sharing … =)
A good learning lesson for me 🙂
i thought its will be less severe given that Vai is of a different gender than the other 2..
i thought it will be worst..if the middle child gender is similar to the elder one or younger one…
is it more apparent after Brie was born?
i have a 33 months old boy and a going to 1 year old girl..
i love to have 3…and preferable another girl…
besides the hard labour of raising another baby and the less time for the older kids, i am also worried that my girl will be neglected and more so if my wish of having another girl comes true..
then it will be 2 girls..
Hi Jamie,
The thing is, with Vai, I’m not sure if it’s this ‘middlechild’ syndrome thingy, or it’s just a passing phase (which will happen whether or not he’s no. 2 or the last born).
But now that you mention it, I think it’s true that if no. 1 and no. 2 is of the same gender, I guess no. 2 may find it ‘more difficult’ ?
Hi Leonny,
I have been reading your blog for a while..and i must say,i feel our pareting values are somewhat similar and its always nice to read tips and insights in your life of managing 3 kids. ..Same as you, my household has been with 2 kids for past 5+ years and we expect to receive our 3rd kid come April /May.While the older kids have shown affectionate to the lil one in my tummy, I worry of how I’m going to cope especially with behavourial changes, if any, when the lil one pops up.My eldest is a girl and is an attention seeker, the 2nd one is a boy, and like Vai a cheeky one, always making a fool of himself etc most times but at the same times he does have an issue with adaptability and hates uncertainty as what we observed in school.. Gosh, life is definitely going to be interesting. Is it true when most people and textbooks say that transition from 1 kid to 2 kids is most trying and tiring vs transition from 2 kids to 3 kids?
Will be checking out the birth order book for some insights. Pls do continue to share more tips on managing 3 kids on your blog! Thanks!
Hi hi …
Thanks for sharing and hope your pregnancy is all smooth and well yeah!!
Personally, I feel the bigger age gap between no. 2 and no. 3 will somehow help too, because the tendency to be ‘very jealous’ is lower. I did write about this ‘bigger age gap’ topic sometime back.
But of course, every family is different, and every child is different. The way a child handles change is also different from one and the other.
I personally find that the preparations towards the baby’s arrival helps a lot in getting the older siblings more ready and loving towards the baby. Also, how we relate the older siblings AFTER baby arrives also will affect how the older siblings treat the baby (eg. if we tend to scold the older siblings when they’re near the baby, it’s not a surprise if they gradually have a negative feel towards the baby).
anyway, it’s not all that simple, but it’s do-able for sure. All the best to you in parenting three …. Yes, it’ll be an adventure but it’ll be full of love and fun too! =)
Oh, btw, as for the transition from 1 to 2, and 2 to 3 … haha .. I heard about that … err, I can’t say much about it though, because for my case, I need to adjust and struggle a lot too for both cases. So, I can’t say which one is ‘easier’ and ‘tougher’ =) one thing is for sure though, things are somewhat more predictable when it is baby no. 3 =)
dont forget the eldest oso has a set of syndrome. ! i have 3 kids. all the 3 have their syndrome …. it’s quite rare to have the eldest child syndrome… at first, we tot my eldest was going through depression! but good thing tat we r watching them growing, any thing not right we are able to correct at a early stage….
Hi Serena,
Yes … I am grateful too that I can watch the kids’ growth and how they may be going through certain emotional change and rollercoasters, because we can then see if we can do something to help them go through it …
Hi! Yes, the middle child syndrome is very real. But looking at the bright side, your son is after-all still the eldest brother! So he gets new boys toys, new clothes etc! Can you imagine how much ‘worse’ it may get if he gets the handme downs? Perhaps, you may want to address him as the eldest boy or brother to boost his confidence? Love your blog by the way!
Hi there …
Thanks for pointing out that son IS the eldest brother.
Actually, the fact that he was the ‘youngest’ in the family for close to 5 years also helps because it means that he also has ‘enjoyed’ those years when he’s not ‘in the middle’. I guess the ‘middle child’ situation is tougher when the age gaps are very close between all three?
Thanks for reading up my blog and sharing your thoughts! =)
I subscribe to the belief that birth order plays a big part in how children behave and grow up! The first child (especially girls) has to deal with having smaller ones fighting for the attention he has been having alone previously. And once the jealousy and all goes away, he takes on the huge responsibility of caring and looking out for siblings. The middle child usually turns out to be amiable and nice cos that’s the way he adapts to get people to like him. He can also become the most talkative or obnoxious one. My second brother is a good example. He got into all sorts of mischief when young.
The youngest like me will be the one who relies on others quite a lot and the most doted one when young. 🙂
Yep yep … birth order definitely plays a part, I too believe in that. Doesn’t mean the children are ‘stuck’ with certain characteristics because of their birth order / family upbringing, .. but definitely one’s birth order has a certain impact on the child’s character …
Thanks for suggesting that book will sure try to read., when someone attributes a Childs behavior to “oh only child is it, that’s why” kind of statement makes me go furious… For example if she’s not that outgoing in school to socialise teachers will come back to me asking oh she’s only child is it…I mean instead of trying to find excuse why not try to fix the issue without blaming it on “only child” factor… I know kids with many siblings being very shy… I strongly believe it’s in the genes , as a parent we can work on shaping our kids to be a better adult…,, personally i feel it’s the age that they r in .. I agree only child has some shortcomings but not the case all ways. My hubby is a only child but he’s successful in life and happy and content… They are plus and minus on both I guess…
Personally, I haven’t read the part in the book where parenting ‘only child’ is discussed. Hope you find the book useful ya …
But I agree, many do tend to generalise easily when they ‘detect’ a certain behaviour in a child … i’m sure not all mean it in a negative way when they gave their comments on your dd …
and yes, I too agree that we parents can help in shaping the child’s character too …
Hi Leonny!
I have my middle child smack bang in the middle of terrible twos and threes (I would rather call him terrificly three, but truth is… it’s TERRIBLE!!) It’s chaos, it’s madness, it’s constant nagging and yelling and telling off. Listening ears are out of order. And everyday WAS a battle… It seems a little better now. It’s hard cos on one hand, I don’t know if it’s a toddler issue, or the other “middle child” issue. I hope he grows out of it soon and turn fantastically four!!
Thanks for the little reminders in parenting! Love the statement… you definitely have to MAKE time for it doesn’t come looking for you these days no matter how hard you find!
XXX grace
Hi Grace!!
Yeah … it’s kind of hard to tell if it’s a middle child thing or not.
And I often find myself thinking (and often pleading and telling him), ‘Pleaseee … help Mommy, I really don’t wish to scold you … please stop doing that’
I tell myself that this WILL pass, but in the mean time, I do need to do my part too in finding out better ways to handle the situations I face everyday.
(So grateful I can easily get myself a cup of milk tea with pearl here haha … it gives me a ‘boost’ whenever my ‘battery’ starts to go flat =D )
Hi Leonny,
I am your silent reader and like to follow up on your blog entries. Very inspiring and informative.
I have a son going to be 6 yo soon. He is an only child .At the time he turned 5 yo he also displayed the behavior that you described Vai is behaving right now. At first I could not control myself but to raise my voice and said words that I really regretted later on but with no result. He would purposely did what I told him not to. After awhile I change my way dealing with him by talking nicely but firmly and insisted he looked into my eyes as I talked to him and give him some time to finish the task/play that he is doing and move to the other task. Timer is our best friend now. It worked wonderfully..
I am sure this is a phase.
Hi Ruth,
thanks for reading up my blog all this while … and for sharing your thoughts and stories too!
Yes, I do think it’s a phase too, … just that it’s not easy going through it. Before I start speaking in an ‘unhappy with your behaviour’ tone, I almost always speak in a nice but firm way, asking him to look at me in the eye too, while reminding him that I do not wish to tell him again nor resort to telling him. It works at times. And doesn’t work at other times.
After he’s done something that he shouldn’t have, he looks genuinely sorry … but then again, he’d do it again soon after. Sigh. It’s a phase. It’s a phase. It’s a phase, I tell myself.
And I tell myself that THIS is still a better phase compared to his ‘teenage phase’ later =)
My dd has been doing all that u have mentioned ur son is doing…I have only one child and like u no helper and all.., its not any easy either for me too. Our cooking itself is labour intensive not so easy.., She likes to take her own sweet time for everything like going to the toilet, washing hands, delaying when she knows that am screaming to her that it’s getting late.., she starts playing silly games and when asked to stop she goes on and on unwilling to stop inspite of saying so many times. She’s also 5yo. I have to keep shouting at her so often these days… I guess it’s a phase? Or because she’s the only child..,, 🙂
Parenting an only child is a challenge too, I’m sure. I do recommend this book though – The Birth Order Book, by Dr Kevin Leman. Hope t’ll help you understand your dd better and address the situations better too.
Hope it’s also a phase for you …