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Many people enter marriage with idealistic thoughts of how a marriage ’should be’.

That there’ll be hardly any arguments. That all exchanged words will always be romantic and sweet. That the home will always be neat and clean because the boyfriends-now-husbands will always proactively help and clean everything up. That our spouse will wake up in the morning always looking fresh and beautiful (?)

If one has such thoughts when they first got married, they’ll be … disappointed.

And it’s really not because marriage itself is ugly. Marriage in itself is in fact beautiful, for it is when two individuals - who promise to stay true and faithful to each other - are united by God in front of His people.

What’s important is that we ought to always remember too that marriage is a union between two unique individuals who are FAR from perfect.

We ought to be realistic. Disagreements will happen. And arguments will take place.

But when both openly communicate, listen and respect each others’ views and feelings, and find a way out that works for both parties, in the end marriage itself can be an enriching experience.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And so is our spouse. So our job is to focus more on their strengths, and learn to complement and tolerate their weaknesses.

Yes there will be hurdles in our marriage. But if we let God be the LORD of our household, we can be rest assured that He will always be with our family.

Leading, guiding and showing a way out. Even when there seems to be no way.

I was SO inspired by today’s sharing at our Women’s Fellowship.

Here’re some thoughts I’d like to share with you.

>> Family is an institution, a unit, that God Himself has established. And at the very core, it’s about the relationship between the husband and the wife.

>> One of the wives’ tasks is to ‘help the husband to be the leader God wants him to be’. When a wife takes over the leadership role in the family, the husband loses his identity, and the household will not be in balance.

>> Wives, after they have children, tend to focus only on the kids, and no longer on the husband. And when their kids have kids, the wives then focus on the grandkids.

If a wife’s focus is hardly ever on her husband, the family will face potential danger where ’someone else’ meets the husband’s need for attention, respect and care.

>> If a couple fails to continually work on mutual respect, open communication and a loving relationship, husband-wife relationship will deteriorate over time.

And if both fail to realise the potential danger of this, they unconsciously will grow further apart from each other (buried in their own busyness with career and kids) though living under the same roof. And it’ll be hard to ‘fix’ the relationship ten or twenty years later.

>> In today’s era, it’s realistically hard(er) to find family togetherness.

Parents tend to be busy with work and other things. Kids are often sent to attend lots of tuitions and courses that they too spend so little time at home and with other family members.

>> Computer, TV and games (like PlayStation, Xbox) also tend to give ‘less desirable’ impacts on us, especially the kids.

They can take away: the much-needed communication, social interactions and togetherness. Even good manners.

[eg. when a child is in front of the TV, he can be so focused on what he's watching that he 'ignores' Mom or replies impatiently when she's talking to him]

>> Relationship with others tend to be superficial too, now that most things are communicated via sms and emails (read: phone calls nowadays get less popular, compared to text messages).

>> Young children (below three especially) naturally depend on their parents, emotionally, physically, psychologically, to name a few. And if parent-child relationships are not strongly built since young, they unfortunately cannot be ‘repaired’ and ‘redeemed’ at a later age.

The kind of society, technology and world we live in tend to make us and our children more individualistic (read: less loving and less ‘together’ as a unit).

It’s critical that we continually sow the seed of Faith and Truth in our family, as well as the importance of relationships, morality and characters.

Such a teaching must come from us parents, especially when the children are still very young.

A strong foundation must be built from within.

And it must start from us. From our own family.

People in general tend to (unconsciously) judge others from the kind of work they do.

If one works as a cleaner at a food court and the other is an executive working in a bank, there’s a tendency to value the cleaner less, and respect the ‘corporate worker’ more.

More respect (unfortunately) seems to be given to those who earn more dollars and cents.

We are all equal and worthy in the eyes of God, THE Creator, and we should also treat and value others accordingly.

The question is, how do WE treat others who are different from us? (economically, socially and intellectually, to name a few)

If our values do need a bit of changing, it’s never too late to start the process now.

>> When one receives something without working to achieve or accomplish it, there’s a tendency to take what was given for granted (read: less appreciation for it).

>> We all love and nurture our children. But when we make our children’s life materially and financially comfortable at all times, always giving to them whatever things that they ask for (sometimes, even when they’re all grown-up already), then we’re actualy letting them grow up not knowing:

- that it’s actually okay if they do NOT always get what they want
- that time, process and hard work are normally involved before something is achieved

>> Many things in life are gifts, given to us for ‘free’. And yes, we need to be grateful always. Appreciating the givers and the gifts.

But the thing is, in life many things do not happen ‘instantly’. There’s a process involved. And that means it involves time and hard work too.

Like how a mom carries a baby in her womb for nine months, often going through tough first-trimester morning sickness phase, before going through labour pain to deliver the baby.

Or how a husband and a wife need to work hard together in educating their children and in building a ‘better’ relationship with each other that’s based on trust, understanding and love.

When we go through a process and work hard towards something, interestingly, we get to enjoy the fruits of our labour more.

We all grow up. Even as adults, we should never stop growing.

In our general knowledge of things. In our characters and mindset. In our spirituality. In our love for God. In our relationship with our spouse, children and other people. In all other aspects in life.

Every one of us regardless of our age must continue to grow. It’s part of life. And it’s part of living.

As a parent, we naturally want to see our children grow and develop too. And we teach them how to slowly become independent individuals.

From self-feeding, putting on their own clothes, going diaperless, playing with friends, expressing their wants and communicating their feelings.

The thing is, seeing our kids grow up and develop - though truly a wonderful privilege - also means having to go through the ‘necessary phase’ that naturally comes with the process of growing up itself.

And I’ve got to say it hasn’t been easy.

In the past two weeks for example, Anya’s been displaying a lot of her ‘growing independence’.

She’d challenge our authority, refuse our requests, ignore our questions, assert her wants and test our limits.
And when her wants are not met, she’d show her unhappiness there and then (read: whine, scream, cry, sit on the floor). Even in public.

Frankly it’s been emotionally and mentally draining for me (as it’s been for her too, I guess).

And there was a time when the kids were asleep and I laid in bed, thinking and feeling so awfully bad for having disciplined and raised my voice to Anya so very often in the past few days. It’s like … if only I could be more patient and loving. Or … if only I could wait a bit longer before I snapped and yelled at her.

Sigh.

Ah whatever it is, two things are for sure though. I’m VERY thankful for the strength GOD’s been giving me till today. And, I never for a second regret my decision on being a fulltime Mom.

Because I know that even IF I myself - her own Mommy who really loves her - struggle so much in finding better ways to deal with her tantrums and am often feel so close to losing my control, I can’t imagine how her misbehaviours would be dealt with if she’s being cared for by someone else.

So yes, it’s a tough phase that she has to go through as part of growing up.

It’s teaching me so much lessons too. And in the end, I too am growing and learning a lot on how to become a better parent to my kids.

PS: Things are looking a bit better this past couple of days. Hope I’m getting so much nearer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Having felt bad and emotionally low that one night helped a lot in making me more mindful of my tone of voice when I talk to her and how I should show even more love during this period (which I feel is what she really longs for these days)

Being a Mom of two, I personally find it a daily challenge to be able to juggle and spend time ‘equally’ and wisely with the two kids.

Vai being the younger one who still needs a lot of ‘physical care’ from me (feeding, diaper changing, etc) naturally needs ‘more’ of my time.

At the same time, Anya being the older one needs a different kind of attention from me.

She wants her actions to be noticed. She wants me to always know and listen whenever she says or comments on something. Which sometimes is a bit hard to do when I’m in the middle of soothing the crying brother, or in a conversation with a friend.

I notice too that when Wilson has to stay back at work to meet project deadlines for a few days in a row, she’s more cranky and demanding than usual.

It all comes down to attention, I guess. I’m sure Anya knows we both love her very much. We often tell her how much we love her too.

But knowing alone is of course not enough. Knowing needs to be accompanied with actual attention showered by the parents and time spent with the kids.

And so. For my case, it’ll always be a daily challenge. To shower both kids with the attention and love each of them need. And to let them see and experience the love that they often hear about.

There are many who in actual fact are blessed with so much potentials, yet they hardly ever produce anything in their life. They let their potentials remain … stagnant. Undiscovered. Unused. Unexplored.

And many unfortunately stop at only talking and ‘imagining’ themselves doing this and that.

Let’s continue to discover and explore our God-given talents and potentials.

For one day we’ll be held accountable for the things we have (and have NOT) done during the lifetime given to us.

When you apply lots of toothpaste on your hands and fingers, it can actually help a lot in taking away the smell of anything (eg. garlic, durian) from them.

And instead of a laundry net, we can actually stuff our lingerie or whatever small ‘delicate clothings’ into an old pair of stockings before we throw it into the washing machine.

Ah. You see, those are just two examples of household tricks that I personally know (read: tried and tested).

And I’m sure there are SO MUCH MORE other tricks and tips that Moms out there can share. For the benefits of others.

So please do write in and share some household tricks and tips that you know and I’ll post them up here later.

It’d be a great exchange of info!

A person’s MANY years of experience in a particular subject does not always mean he SURE is better than everyone else who has less number of years.

Although one generally knows MORE when then learn and study a particular subject for a long period, it (unfortunately) may not be the case for everyone.

There are some who somehow feel that they’re so experienced in something that they stop being open to others’ feedback. However constructive.

They stick to what they ‘used to’ know and hence they unconsciously … stop learning. Years go by but there simply are no improvements in their knowledge nor self.

In order to continually learn and improve one’s self (in whatever aspects in life), one needs to be humble and have a teachable mind. Always ready to introspect and evaluate ourselves.

Even if it means being (uncomfortably) corrected by others.

Some food for thought I’d like to share. From today’s Women’s Fellowship.

When we know the ‘price we need to pay’ for doing something and yet we still are willing to do it, it’s called ’sacrifice’.

On the other hand, when we know all the consequences that come from doing something, and we still do it while thinking of ourselves as pityful and helpless in the situation, then we in this case see ourself as a ‘victim’.

In reality, many Moms see themselves (and their role as a Wife and a Mom) as one of the two above.

Some feel that children ‘rob’ them off their ‘freedom’. And when this mindset develops further, the Mom then goes on complaining and feeling sorry for herself and the situation she’s in.

Often, she ends up feeling she’s the ‘victim’ who deserves other people’s full attention, understanding and sympathy.

And there are those who see their role as a Mom a once-in-a-lifetime privilege. They perform their ‘duties’ willingly, knowing and accepting the consequences, responsibilities and ‘burdens’ that automatically come with the role.

The role of a Wife and a Mom is not an easy one.

But I guess, the important question now is, what type of a Mom and a Wife are we?

It is only when we take some time to introspect and realise the type of mindset we now have that we can learn to work on ourselves and become an even better Mom and Wife.