Dads and Work, and The Absence from Home?
When kids get difficult and display troubling behaviour, many families resort to seeking professional help these days.
In many of those cases however, the children actually don’t need to see a psychologist; what they need to see more often is actually, ‘us’, their mommies and daddies …
The question is, do we make ourselves available for the kids?
The reality is, for a lot of Daddies especially, it IS tough to juggle between work and family time. But as much as it is a struggle for all of us, I guess in the end, what’s more important is the realisation (by both Mommy and Daddy) of the positive impact and significance of being actively present and involved in a child’s life since day 1?
Because, we need to firstly realise the utter importance and urgency of something before we can act and be driven (and willing) to make a necessary change to the existing situation, for the better and for the sake of the family – the children in particular.
…
Anyway.
Here’s an article (from Focus on the Family) on Dads and Work that I feel is worth our time to read and reflect upon.
Something to ponder upon, for both Mommies and Daddies.
Happy reading, everyone, and have a wonderful weekend with your loved ones!
…
When my son Dakota was 8, he began exhibiting some troubling behavior. He seemed anxious and easily upset. Did he have anger issues? Why was he so agitated and ornery?
My wife and I sought professional help. The child psychologist listened, asked questions and then offered some insight.
“It is pretty obvious that Dakota misses his daddy,” she said. “You are extremely busy, John. And now you’re seeing the external signs of the internal stress your son is experiencing.”
I was stunned by the revelation.
I was pursuing my master’s degree and logging 45 to 50 hours a week at my job, but I hadn’t realized how large a price my kids were paying for my absence. From that day on, I made an extra effort to verbalize my love for my son and made myself available for him until he went to bed, leaving my schoolwork for later in the evening. The emotional healing took years, but I’m grateful I had the opportunity to correct my mistake while my kids were still young.
For many fathers, the task of balancing work and home life poses the greatest of all challenges. Men typically begin establishing their careers just as they’re becoming fathers. They feel an immense pressure to perform on the job even while they should be turning their attention to their home. All too often, work wins.
What is it that makes the pull of work so irresistible? There are many reasons why a father will trade work for time with his kids. Sadly, very high on the list is a fear of being deemed insignificant.
A father may also be drawn to the sense of accomplishment and completion that work provides. At the office, there’s usually some kind of checklist, even if it is only cleaning up the inbox or making some important phone calls. The workplace gives men opportunities to measure their output and to feel competent and significant.
So if we hope to fight the irresistible pull of work, we must take the long view of our parenting task.
The results of our engagement at home may not be immediate, but they are far more profound and lasting than anything we can accomplish at the office.
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just my 2c worth.
A father here or out of Asia is still a father.
However there seem to be more fathers here who use the excuse of work and other commitments not to spend that much needed quality time with their kids and leaving it to the mothers. It could be due to cultural norms or upbringing but that doesn’t make it right.
I have also gone back to school, unfortunately that leaves me with a lot less time with the kid (contrary to what most think) but as a mum, I don’t have the “luxury” to say, I am busy, work (or schoolwork) is stressful, I need to study so I have no time with the kid.
I hope that our Asian fathers can catch up and be more vocal about their love and be the visible pillars in their kids’ life. Fathers are no less important than Mothers, perhaps even more important as they are the ones who can make that extra difference.
Hi NerdyMum,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I agree with what you’ve shared … and yes, let’s hope more and more Asian daddies catch up and be more ‘visibly involved’ in a positive way, in bringing up the kids!
hmmm… for those daddies out there, you’re not the worst…
my husband doesnt clock that many hours at work. he knocks off punctually everyday. when he gets home, he’d rather face the iphone, the tv, the newspapers than facing his one and only 6yo son. he only has 2 hours before his son goes to bed, and yet he rather spend that 2 hours for his own ME-time.
if he’s hard at work or pursuing his studies, it still makes some sense.
Hi bb,
Thanks for sharing …
Must’ve been tough being in your shoes … =( Really hope things get better with hubby at home yeah … and hope you stay strong too!
Yes we need to be constantly reminded to spend more quality time with the kids. I’m guilty if not doing so too.
Thanks Vincent for leaving a comment here.
A reminder like this also is needed by mommies like me …
hi Leonny, in Asia, the fathers are mostly the silent “pillar”. We love our kids in our own ways (maybe not by expressively kissing and hugging).
Since you have live in both Singapore, Indonesia and Australia, maybe share with us the different fatherhood mindset/culture/attitutes towards parenting 🙂
cheers, Andy
Hi Andy,
Somehow I think Asian Dads in general are typically not so ‘involved’ in raising the kids. Plus, Asian dads (those living in Asia) generally are very busy with work too (work demand in Asia is more ‘crazy’ compared to the more laid-back lifestyle in Australia).
Of course, this doesn’t apply to ‘all’ dads …because there are more and more dads out there now who are more involved, the more modern ones realise the importance of ‘being there’ in the kids’ growing up years …
And, Dad bloggers look like they’re doing their best to be the more involved ones! *high five* =)
Same here. I am guilty of not spending enough time with my son. This is starting to show as he is now getting more and more cringy to mummy instead of daddy. Similar to the story that you shared, I am too doing crazy work hours (just finished a 22 days work, including sat and suns) and crazy late nights rushing my Masters degree. (That explains this 4:30am comment. lol) And similarly, I have always made an attempt to spend more time with him till we go to bed and then I will get up and continue on with my schoolwork.
I am so looking forward to finally completing my masters degree soon so that more time can really be given to the family and of course, more attention, rather than having this nagging feeling that I have many more things to complete for my schoolwork.
Nothing can replace the time that will be lost. For now, I am doing everything I can to get quality time spent.
Hi Kelvin,
oh wow … didn’t know that you’re clocking in so much hours too outside of work and all! Must’ve been so tough on you …
Still, if you ask me, .. I think what’s more important is that the Daddy at least tries to spend time with the family, amidst the crazy busy-ness of everything everyday…
Thanks for sharing, Kelvin! All the best with the Masters Degree!