Parenting : Instilling Values in Daily Conversations With the Kids
As a parent to three kids, I find myself instilling values in my daily conversations with my two elder ones somewhat more frequently, especially this year.
And I guess, it’s more because Anya is now in Primary One, and she spends quite a long period of time away from us every day (ie. About 5-6 hours, from Monday to Friday), where she gets to play, observe and interact with friends from different walks of life.
She gets to see friends behaving and responding in ways that are perhaps ‘new’ to her.
At school, she meets people who are helpful and friendly, but also some others who tell lies, yell at friends (and her!), speak proudly of own achievements, etc.
And she often needs to make a choice too, eg. To be indifferent, to join others in blaming a friend, to copy other people’s behaviours, or to not follow the crowd because she has her own way of doing things.
As a 7yo school girl, I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for her.
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Like for example, the other day as Anya shared with me how her day was like, she told me about a boy who took his friend’s eraser home and claimed that it was his.
“That boy took the eraser during recess, Mommy! It wasn’t even his! It wasn’t the first time that he did something like that. And his form teacher scolded him!“, she enthusiastically shared.
“If the teacher didn’t find out and tell him off, do you think it’s okay for him to take his friend’s eraser?“, I casually asked as we walked home together.
“No. But why did that boy take the eraser when no one was in class? It’s not his.”
“Well, … many people think that when no one is looking, they can do whatever they want, even when it’s a wrong thing.”
“Like when someone took home a water bottle that belongs to another student when no one was around?”
I nodded and said, “Some people choose to NOT steal or cheat, because they’re scared of getting caught and fined, not because it’s the right thing to do. Well, WE should choose to do what’s right, though no one is looking. God sees everything, including what we feel in our hearts and what we have in our minds.”
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One of the many things which I’m very thankful for is, over the years (ie. Since both kids started nursery school), we’ve sort of built this ‘habit’ of sharing. When I see Anya and Vai after school, I’d ask the kids about their day and they’d share with me about their friends, what their teachers taught, what they did, etc.
(Btw, fyi it wasn’t like this in the beginning. I used to get a shrug and ‘I don’t know’ as their replies. It really is a habit that I must continually nurture over the years in my attempt to build an open communication with the kids. I must say that being a fulltime mom helps greatly in this case, because I get to see them straight after school, when everything is still ‘fresh’)
Anyway, I’m glad that the kids can tell me these things because it allows me to see the kinds of struggles they face, and the kinds of values (good and bad) that they’re exposed to at school, etc.
This way, during our chats, I can also share my thoughts on certain issues with them, correct any wrong ideologies, instill biblical values, encourage positive behaviours, etc.
(And I quietly hope that this ‘habit’ continues on)
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PS: Btw, being parents to bigger kids, we find ourselves needing to reflect on our own values and principles too, to see if we walk our talk as well. Not easy.
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Hi Leonny aka super mummy :),
Thanks very much for sharing despite your busy roster 🙂
My 4.5yo son who is in nursery class and been telling me his
classmate hit him intentionally.
And this happens not only to him but other classmates as well.
And this is a daily affair he hit someone.
I’ve observed this “bully” he will accidentally walk pass and give
you a punch/push/punch/touch …etc.
I’m not sure why he wants to do that, for fun or attention??
Apparently, the teacher has spoken to the parents.
Anyway , my stand point is I can’t control others people kids but I
need to take care of my son overall well-being esp. emotional parts.
I constantly told my son if is accidentally then forgive him if is intentionally then report to teachers. But this thing can’t be going
on this way all the times. I can’t tell him to forgive but yet he needs to tolerate this “bully” and not protecting himself.
I told my son this is not the way we should behave. The bully is
doing the wrong things. But it confuses my son why the “bully”
still doing that despite knowing it is wrong. And he himself can’t hit
back to protect as is not an acceptable behavior…CONFUSE.
Would like to know what you would do to counsel my son. I’m worry
he might get influence or he might just keep tolerate and not protecting himself?
Challenging parenting:(
Thanks for your time.
Hi Jayne,
I personally haven’t come across such an incident where a bully continually does something to my child.
(Something did happen when Vai started school this year, but it was solved within about 2 weeks. I spoke with the teacher and after the teacher spoke with the child, a few days later, things were all okay … so glad!)
When my eldest started primary school, it wasn’t exactly about physically being bullied, but she was yelled at and treated rudely by others, though she didn’t do anything wrong.
She also did ask me the kinds of questions you shared, eg. Why do they behave like that? If they know it’s wrong, why do they still do it? etc.
While I personally have never encountered a situation like yours (which I can see is a real tough one!), these are some of the values I teach to my kids when it comes to dealing with friends who don’t treat them / other people well:
– I explain how every family is different. Not every family teaches their children the right and wrong thing. You know that _____ is wrong because we teach you about it, and that we should not do it to others because ___ (eg. it hurts other people, etc ).
– When others do the wrong things, we should still do the right thing (btw, I tell the kids this nearly everyday, because being at school and all, they see ‘wrong behaviours’ everyday, and they need to learn to discern what’s right and wrong, and make the ‘right choice’, and not ‘follow’ the wrong)
– I also explain that we all have a strong tendency to do wrong things (because we are sinners) and that’s why that boy did the wrong thing although he probably knew that it’s wrong. Even we ourselves still do the wrong things when we know the right things that we should’ve done.
– When Vai was bullied by another boy, I explained the points above and we prayed for the boy, for the boy to realise that what he’s done is wrong, for the boy to know Christ, etc. I’d like Vai to learn and see how a behaviour can be changed, but it needs to come from the inside, and God can work in people’s hearts.
Btw, when Vai was bullied, I also felt similar to you, ie. While I’d like to teach Vai to forgive and pray for the boy, I also don’t want Vai to always ‘take in’ whatever treatments that the bully gives. We want Vai to also learn to stand up and protect himself (but without physically attacking the other person?)
So difficult …
So I did teach him (and Anya) these:
– When someone is rude to you again and again (or pushes you around, physically do things to you intentionally), it is okay if we tell him / her FIRMLY, ‘Stop doing that please! I don’t like it!’
(and I let them practice with me the tone of voice and the seriousness of the face that they should show to that person)
– You can tell your teacher when someone is bullying you continually.
– You must always share what happens at school with us parents (and on my part, I need to always consciously remind myself to ‘react’ / ‘respond’ in the right way … because if we scold our child, etc instead of just listening first and keeping quiet, I’m afraid over time the child will choose to not share with us again)
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Anyway, I really hope things are better now than before with your son. Bullying is such a complicated issue, and I would also be as ‘unsure’ and ‘confused’ as you if bullying persists for a long while. No parents want their children to be bullied (or worse, be the bully).
All the best … and hope what I shared above somewhat helps …
Thanks for the sharing,leonny.. 😀
Hi Dina!
Thanks for asking, and I feel I should perhaps do another blog post on this to better explain how I first introduced the whole ‘sharing’ habit to the kids =)
[too many post topics that I really wish I could write and share, unfortunately too little time =( ]
In short, this is what I did when the kids shrugged and said ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I can’t remember’ :
– I made the questions specific
eg. Did you draw anything today? What did you draw?
Did you play Lego today? Who did you play Lego with ? A boy or a girl?
Sometimes if the question is too ‘broad’, like : ‘how was school today?’, if the kid is not used to ‘chatting away and sharing with us how school is like earlier on’, then the kid will have ‘no idea’ on what to tell us anyway. ie. not that the child doesn’t want to tell us, the child probably doesn’t know where to begin?
– I asked ‘open ended’ questions too, so that they didn’t just answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’
eg. Instead of asking, ‘Did you eat porridge today for lunch?’, I asked, ‘What did you have for lunch today’?
or, instead of asking, ‘Did the teacher tell you a story today?’, I asked, ‘Did you have story telling today? What was the story about?’
…
One thing I tell myself since the day my kids started school is: when I ask them about school, I don’t ask ONLY about their ‘scores’ in tests. How they did in tests etc has the same ‘weight’ as my other questions, eg. How was recess? How was your friend ABC doing today?’ etc.
=)
Hi leonny…
For the first time u started that ‘habit’ and u received ‘i don’t know’ replies from your kids,what did you said?
Because sometimes if kids just said i don’t know,the parents tend to stop their question,and didn’t try to found the answer from them…my boy still 1yo 😀 but i like to learn how to deal with bigger kids since i will face that phase someday hehehe…
Hope u can shared with me! Thanks