Vai : Going through the I’m-the-Boss (Terrible Three) phase
Starting some two weeks ago, our 3-year-old little guy has somewhat become … much much more ‘assertive’.
Actually, to a point where it’s not making sense at all.
He’d ignore our requests and seemingly ‘turn off’ his hearing abilities. And every single day I’d hear him scream and cry.
Repeating my requests nicely, or firmly, doesn’t quite help. Not repeating my requests and giving him a consequence or a disciplinary action after requesting for something twice, also doesn’t work.
Every single day I’d face a screaming toddler because he’d ignore what I say, and when it’s time for us to move on (eg. we’re about to step out of the house), I’d then see him screaming and running towards me, asking me to ‘help’ him do what he’s been refusing to do for the past 30 mins!
It’d be like:
Mommy: Vai, please take off your clothes and have a shower. We’re going out soon …
Vai: (continues to play with his toy cars at the side of my bed)
Mommy: Vai … Take off your clothes please. We’re going out.
Vai: (continues to play and acts as if he doesn’t hear anything)
Mommy: Levi! Did you hear what I just said? We’re going out soon. You need to take your shower now!
Vai: (continues to play, and doesn’t even look up)
Mommy: Okay then, we’re going out, and you’ll just wear what you’re wearing right now … (turn and walk towards the bathroom)
Vai: MAH-MMYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
Mommy: (turn to look at him and give him an unhappy look) Is it right to talk in that kind of tone?
Vai: MAH-MEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Mommy: If you scream like that, you know I can’t talk to you yet… (turn back and casually walk towards the bathroom)
Vai: MAAAAAHHHH-MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! MAAAAAAHHH-MEEEEEE!!!!!!
…
Oh my.
Such episodes take place every day. And when I plan to go out or do something at 7pm, it can usually be dragged for another hour, because I need to handle his screaming and crying first.
I guess he’s entered his ‘Terrible Three’ stage where he wants to assert his wants, doesn’t like it when someone does (or doesn’t do) something for him, and demands his opinion to be heard and followed by everyone else.
Thank God he’s been ‘better’ these past two days.
Because really, I’m getting worn out.
(After spending the whole day dealing with a toddler who ignores me and refuses to listen to anything I say, I end up talking to my husband at night in the same ‘can-you-listen-to-me!- tone. Unconsciously!)
Anyway.
I try to see the whole thing in a different perspective.
I try to understand that my son is growing up, emotionally.
How he’s trying to assert his independence, and do things to see if he has ‘enough power’ to get what he wants.
I try to see how he’s a sinner too, just like me.
I try to remember that if I scream and yell at him, I’m teaching him exactly what I’m telling him NOT to do.
So.
Did I allow it every time he yell or talk in an impolite tone of voice? Nope.
Did I feel emotionally tired? Yes.
Did I raise my voice at him? Yes.
And has it been easy? Nope.
One thing I know is that such ‘terrible three’ phase doesn’t last ‘forever’. I can see how he IS better these past couple of days.
So yep, … I’m surviving.
Phew.
…
Did you go through such episodes with your little ones yourself?
How was it? How old were they ? I’d love to hear your stories on this.
11 Comments »
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Hanny:
Iya, Anya masih bisa tantrum2 juga skrg, kalo dia mau something tp ga dpt (walaupun gua udah coba jelasin dengan bae2). Tp mmg udah lebih jarang dibanding dulu waktu lebih kecil. Anya lebih ’emosional’ anaknya … jadi dulu tuh mmg lebih sering nangis2 gitu … (kali lebih kaya Darren sekarang ya)
Hi everyone …
Thanks so much for sharing!
I read every single one of the comments and they’ve managed to encourage me in one way or another. Thanks.
You know, things have not been easy with Vai lately … though it is better on certain days, he still has tough moments …
One thing that ‘sticks’ in my mind is Andrea’s comment where she wrote:
‘one day …. you will look back with fond memories when you sit in your quiet house, typing a blog comment wishing they were little again.’
I totally agree.
I remembered that line when I was feeling very down last week, and it encouraged me a lot (thanks Andrea!).
Keeping the right perspective and mindset about everything (including, about being a parent) sure will help us go through any tough challenges we face today …
So moms … let’s hang in there …
🙂
Hey Leonny, just popping by to see how you are doing. I can empathise with what you are going through. Hang in there. I hope you find a way dealing with Vai and stay consistent with the method you apply to get him to listen to you.
Another thought – I have been told that kids are more sensitive to stress (experienced by others) … just wondering if you have been stressed out by work … perhaps he’s looking for extra attention as he feels the stress that you have? Have a heart to heart talk with him when he’s not in one of those terrible-three mood.
Take care. 🙂
My son is 3 yrs 1 mth and is a very demanding boy. When he took out a bag of toys to play, he does not want to keep them back. This will made the living room so messy and of course, talking nicely with him does NOT WORK! I will have to use ‘play’ to bait him to keep his toy. Eg, counting 123 while putting in the toys into the bag to see how many toys he has got. That works ! He throw tantrums too when something does not work out. We will ask him to speak in a nicer tone and speak clearly before we help him out. I too experience the ‘lost of hearing’ moments. I find that if I stay calm, it does make everything work out sooner or later. Sometimes I loose my cool too and it really make the matter worse. This motherhood journey is teaching me to be PATIENCE. and I’m still learning along the way.
I can’t resist posting on this one, Leonny. 🙂 I love the Cooking Ninja’s reference to “diva fit”. So funny to me. I know it’s not funny now as you are going through this but you will look back one day and smile.
My now 18 year old daughter told me when she was about 3, “you’re not the boss of me!”. It certainly wasn’t funny then but we bring that up often now that she’s grown. She has developed incredibly strong leadership skills but we had to help guide her away from being bossy to being a leader as she grew up. Your Vai may be the same way. Perhaps he is on his way to being a great leader. Being assertive is not bad. They are trying to find out who they are and what works and doesn’t work. Now it’s your job to guide them in that.
One of the best pieces of advice we ever got was that you have to make up your mind not his/hers (referring to your child). Cooking Ninja’s comment about being the parent is so true. And you are correct, Leonny. This will pass but the lessons need to be taught and if you “make up your mind”, it will definitely pay off in the end.
And since it can’t always be a battle because it is quite tiring, one thing I liked to do with my son was time him. Boys are typically quite competitive and I could get my son to do anything when he was little if I timed him. This didn’t work for my girls. 🙂
Hang in there all of you moms with young kiddos. Put in the hard work and I promise you will look back with fond memories when you sit in your quiet house, typing a blog comment wishing they were little again.
Hi Leonny
You are certainly not alone. I experience exactly the same thing when Ethan was 2.5 yrs old. It reached a point when my husband and I were mentally, physically and emotionally drained. He will cry and scream for nothing out of a sudden over the slightest displeasure about something which we didn’t even understand and he can’t even explain why he was behaving that way at times. He will fuss almost any moment especially when he is at home. We raised our voice at him, put him at the naughty corner, to a point my hubby giave him a spank on his thigh. But all to no avail. It only got worse. So we calmed down after a week of ‘hell’ and decided to use a totally different approach. To calm him, hold and hug him, telling him its ok….blah blah blah…exactly some books suggest. It worked! The episodes started to more mild and he learnt to control his emotions better. It all got better after a month of emotional and mental ‘torture’ hahaha. He still throws tantrums of course, but we can manage better these days and the tantrums are shorter these days and less frequent. However, now he is learning to ‘fight’ for toys, display unwillingness to share when he doesn’t feel like it especially with kids older than him. Another phase which is less draining but we know we can’t just let him be and allow him to develop into a unfriendly child.
Hang in there Leonny. I know you can. You are to me a SUPER MOM is many ways. 🙂
Ai yah ! Ethan oso havg “hearing problems” even much earlier than Vai…….before Ethan turned 3 in June tis yr ! I always have to tell Ethan ” Dun let me count to 3 or else I’ll throw yr toys out of the windows ! ” …… like tt of warngs oso nid to change NEW warng sentences everyday hor !! I even got tell him to sit into the store room since most of his toys r locked inside coz’ kana confiscated by him for “turng off his hearings” …….. so far, TWO long sentences tt can MOVED him a little ” Can u HEAR me ? Are you having any HEARING PROBLEMS ? If YES then Mama will send you to doctor’s house(ethan refers as hospital) ” …. ” You dun listen to me then why must Mama / Papa listen to you ? ”
We oso can’t tahan his T3 ……. if @ home, guess the whole block neighbours can HEAR us ! Sometimes met them the next day, they ask ” wat happen leh ??? why cry & cry ? “
My 3.5 yo hearing abilities also has gone off and no matter how nice I ask what she meant to be doing (ie, brushing her teeth, shower, put her pajamas) it’ll never work and I get tired of telling her esp I have a 7 months old bb needs my attention too. So normally after I have to repeat myself about 3 times and 3 times she ignores me, I would raise my voice and stare at her with my eyes wanting to pop out from it socket 🙂 then she knows I mean business and she’ll quickly do it and this happens every single day. Also whenever she misbehave, ie beat people, pinching her bb sister, screaming, talking rudely, I warned her at first if this continues I’d put her in the corner and she HATES to be put in the corner, after some time like a min or two while she still crying, I will go to her and go to her level, making serous eye contact and ask Why Mommy put you in the corner? and she knows y then I will tell her that it is not a nice thing to do and I want you to apologies and then she would say sorry and we both hug. I find this method works for my kid as it allow her to think about her mistake and at the same time it will teach her that Mommy does not hate you but want you to understand y she is being punish!:)
Hi, I have a 3 yr old girl. She has very strong personality both stubborn and lively ones. I have been through what you are going through. We did at one point or two told our daughter that we are her parents and it’s us who make the final decision whether she like it or not, it’s that way. When she has her diva fit, we leave her in another room and close the door, tell her she can join us when she has calm down. We find that being persistence and consistence with discipline works. When she has calm down, i find it helpful to explain and teach her to vocalise her feelings. When I got mad at her, after both of us have calm down, I apologize to her and explain to her why I got mad and I also teach her to say apologize for her part and that both of us work together to be more understanding and patient with each other. It’s a lot of work to keep myself from bursting my steam and I have to keep telling myself to be patient when she is doing her best to push the last button.
About your car ignoring you and continue playing with his cars, this is what I do with my girl when it happens. I stood down her level, stop whatever she’s doing, get her eye contact and tell her what I expect her to do. I will give her warning what will happen to her toys if she continue to disobey. When she scream bcos I took away her toys, I will ask her to do what I told her to do and she will get back her toys. This method usually works with my kid.
Sometimes I will issue a challenge to her like a game and this works too.
Kasus elu sama kaya gua, Le…sampe cape mulut ini ngomong, tetep aja dicuekin, bahkan sama Vincent juga lho..Tiap hari cape mulut, cape hati juga. He..he..Tapi kalo Darren gak pake tereak2, cuma nangis mulu. Bentar2 pasti nangis…cengeng gitu lho…geregetan kadang. Mau gak mau gua pasti raise my voice, susah juga ya…seperti yang elu bilang, kalo kita gitu, kaya ngajarin anak kita. Tapi susah banged buat sabar2in ati :((
Btw, Anya masih suka tantrum gak? V kdg2, kemaren di depan sekolah ngamuk, gara2 temennya dah janji mau maen ke rumah tapi pas pulang skul, temen itu maen di playground. Waktu V mau maen, gak gua kasih, karena udah gelap mau ujan. Langsung deh ngamuk, tereak2, marah2. sampe malu rasanya..:((
Hello Leonny, haven’t been able to visit your blog recently due to heavy workload. Now taking a break after my lunch and saw your latest write-up.
I am also experiencing the same situation with my son (3.5 yr old). He would ignore me totally. It’s tiring and I even use cane (which I hate) but he will tell me “it’s not painful”!!!
He is scared of my husband though. Daddy only needs to say it once and he will move! Urrgh!!