Parenting : When our reaction affects our child’s confidence
My 2-year-9-month-old son saw the really tall umpire’s chair on the badminton court near our place this morning. And he asked,
“Mommy, can I go up and sit on the chair?”
“Sure. You’d need to climb quite a bit there, just be sure to hold on tight, okay?”
“But Mommy, I want you to hold on to me while I climb”
“I’ll stand nearby and watch you go up, but you’d need to climb the steps by yourself”
“But Moommyyy … I want you to hold on to meeee …”
*smile* “I know you can climb it all by yourself. If you don’t want to, then you don’t have to climb it at all.”
(Note: I know of Vai’s climbing skill and how he had learned to always hold on real tight when climbing anything)
Anyway.
Vai thought to himself for a good 3 seconds, and he started climbing. He took giant steps while holding onto the two side poles.
And yes, he reached the top.
With a huge smile on his face. Hehe.
He sat up there for one minute (and told me how he’s so HIGH up!) before going down, by himself.
And after that, he went up and down that tall (and err, rusty) umpire’s chair two to three more times.
…
When he was up there, an old man happened to walk past the tall chair, looked up at him, smiled and (seriously) said to me, ‘He better be careful ya!’ and walked away.
And what I found interesting was Vai’s reaction upon hearing his comment.
He turned to me and said, “Mommyy… help me get downnnn. I don’t want to come down by myself. Please come over and helppp ….”
Of course I didn’t budge. Hehe. I still sat on a nearby bench and calmly told him how he just needed to turn around slowly and come down all by himself carefully.
And I guess the fact that I was quite casual about the whole thing made him feel better and secure.
And he did come down all by himself. With no problem.
…
A few thoughts and observations:
If I had helped him from the very beginning, I guess he wouldn’t have known about his own capability.
He wouldn’t have gripped those side poles extra tightly (because no one is there to ‘hold’ him)
He wouldn’t have pushed himself further beyond his usual comfort level.
He wouldn’t have felt the satisfaction of accomplishing something difficult, all by himself.
And he wouldn’t have gained that extra confidence.
And I was reminded again too how a child tends to view and treat HIS world according to OUR response.
If I had immediately brushed off his interest in climbing, if I had sounded anxious or worried, or if I hadn’t felt confident about him climbing the tall chair all by himself, he would’ve felt the same way too. Our child’s initial courage would most likely be dampened by our response and reaction.
As I sat on a nearby bench, I DID feel a little ‘tingly’ watching him climb up and down the really tall chair. I DID feel the adrenaline inside! The chair WAS high! (it’s just that I chose to keep my cool in front of him so that he kept his courage and confidence in what he was doing, hehe)
Hmm. Interesting, isn’t it, how our reaction and response as parents greatly affect our child’s courage, confidence and accomplishments.
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Have you ever encountered such situations with your child? How did things go ?
Please do share. I’d love to hear stories from other parents!
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Well Done Vai! & Good on you Leonny for allowing him the space to gain the confidence & skill you know he has.
i would always encourage Tobias to do things for himself – he is easily frustrated – so i do need to do a little more pushing. It took a lot for him to do “dangerous stuff” – now i find that if it is a goal that is his desire, he will bravely go on, constantly looking for our support. So we stand there & support as best we can, always pointing out his goal to him & praises all round when he does get there 😉
Le, you are so right…. If I were you, though, I will be sick to my stomach… Respect! Especially when you have to stand up to others for your own belief!
Definitely I will remember this when Tatiana is climbing around :):) Wish me luck so I can be a little bit like you :))
Thanks a lot for sharing…
Grace Koay :
Oh I saw that photo (of Lach on the roof!!) haha … I can only imagine how you’d feel when you saw him going up there by himself.
Amazing how your Dad let him do it (because often grandpas are more protective of their grandkids than their parents 🙂 )
You know, Lach’s story reminded me of my own experience too … coz I too climbed onto the roof and stuff when I was little! 😀 The view was nice from up there, you see … hehehe
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Colleen :
Thanks heaps for writing in and sharing.
I totally agree with you!
And I don’t know if it’s because of our Asian culture … I could be wrong but I feel in Asia parents somehow do have that tendency to ‘protect’ and ‘limit’ their kids ‘more’ than in the West … Yes ? No?
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Linda :
Yep, it is because I know of Vai’s climbing skill that I was okay with him climbing it all the way by himself. It would’ve been a little different if it was Anya because I know her climbing skill is not as good as her little brother’s (I’d still let her try, but I’d be standing a LOT closer to her hehe)
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Ling-Ling :
Hehe … he DID feel so happy when he managed to get up there 😀
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Yin :
haha … emang tuh anak .. emanya juga berasa agak2 ke ‘gelitik2’ kakinya pas liat dia manjat (tp ya .. sambil motoin and duduk di bench baca buku hehe)
Cindy Khor :
Thanks for sharing too …
I guess parents simply have that tendency to ‘protect’ their kids. I too will never want to expose my kids to danger on purpose. But, I personally am learning too that there are circumstances where we parents need ‘swallow our own fear’ and let our kids try out something challenging, while still watching over them from a distance…
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Wavesurfer :
Yes it did feel ‘tingly’ when I watched him turn around and go down the steps. For Vai’s case, I do believe in his capability of holding onto the poles tightly and going down the tall chair by himself … but it doesn’t eliminate that ‘tingly’ feeling somehow hehe
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mnhl :
Yep, as parents I can understand how it’s not easy seeing our kids do their stunts 🙂 We also don’t let our kids do ‘anything’ they want.
I guess most of our approaches have always been :
– FORBID if it’s absolutely dangerous (ie. we ALWAYS hold our kids’ hands when crossing the road, even in car parks)
– ALLOW after letting them know of the possible consequences (which they will have to bear if it really happens to them)
eg. if they choose to run and play chase though the road goes downhill, I tell them to be careful because they can lose their balance and fall. But I let them choose what they want to do. If they do fall, then they’ll simply need to stand and .. run again if they want to hehe …
I guess we just want the kids to know that there are always consequences to whatever that they choose in life. And if they do fall and fail, they just need to get up, stop OR do it again. We want them to know that falling (from running, eg) is just part and parcel of life, to not be afraid of pain, to keep on going …
Of course if we’re dealing with things like getting their fingers stuck between the door hinge (them choosing ‘not to listen’ after us telling them NOT to put their fingers there), we strongly hope they learn their lesson and NOT do it again 😀
oh well .. parenting is not easy ya …
Very lovely kids here. 🙂
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I think striking a balance is important – encouraging independence with some amount of caution, instead of living in constant fear that your child will get hurt doing things. What you wrote about is very true, how a child views and treats the world is really dependent on our response. And you would be surprised that the view that parents enforced in one’s younger days is usually carried into adulthood – whether they carry the belief that they have the ability to conquer things they haven’t tried before or they’re simply scared of trying new things cos they were always told they couldn’t do it.
Many a times in a week, I would encounter the same scenario with my big Lach. And you know what? I would have done the same! I think definitely, they react the way we respond. And I would try to encourage positively!
About 6 months ago, he was exactly the same, just wanting a little help but I kept pushing him to give it a go on his own. Now at 3 years old, he just wants to DO EVERYTHING on his own! Even if it’s climbing a ladder up to the roof! And sometimes my heart would leap out of my mouth watching him do his stunts. Thank goodness, nothing untowards have happened! I think it’s a matter of also knowing his own capabilities, and learning to make a good judgement for himself.
gua liat fotonya aja dah deg2an, le… hehehe.. dasyat.. 😀
what a smile!! smile of accomplishment…
yeah.. I saw your climbing video when Vai was around 11 months…. he is an expert…. many mummies would scared to death watching him climbing like that.. and will surely be there to catch and help the kids.. including me…. i think… hehe
It’s a very good thing if we let children do certain things themselves, we only have two hands, and no other helpers. If we do most of the things for them…. they would take it for granted.. even they will give you their legs to wear socks and shoes for them….
Oh my…your son is roughly the same age as mine and I will definately not allowed him to climb up so HIGH on his own!! I fell and broke my elbow when I was 3 y.o and now I’m living with a crooked elbow. Maybe because of that, I was very worried when seeing him climbing and jumping. He loves to climb and jump on the sofa set at home and always got our scolding. And I will show him my crooked elbow. But he is not afraid. 🙁
Btw, the way u teach your son is very good. At least he is aware of his surrounding and can adapt well to it. Make him independent too! 🙂 but just got to be real careful!
Thanks for sharing. ^^
It’s a good way to learn independence this way, though I would also probably feel as ‘tingly’ watching my child as thoughts of accidents happening to him cross my mind. Guess I’ll have to let go even more and trust in him. ^^|
you know, i really applaud the way you teach your children, i mean i just adore how you handle them and at the same time let them grow… i wish my mum could do the same thing to me too without protecting me too tightly